Arkansonian Paper

Roosterpoot AP . – Hands Genitals received probation after he was convicted of having sexual contact with a dead deer. The sentence also requires Genitals to be evaluated as a sex offender and treated at the Institute for Psychological and Sexual Health in Little Rock"The state believes that particular place is the best to provide treatment for the individual," Assistant District Attorney Justin Time said. Genitlas probation will be served at the same time as a nine-month jail sentence he received in February for violating his extended supervision.He was found guilty in April 2005 of felony mistreatment of an animal after he killed a horse with the intention of having sex with it. He was sentenced to 18 months in jail and two years of extended supervision on that charge as well as six years of probation for taking and driving a vehicle without the owner's consent and slapping off in it, which created a messy situation for the owner. Genitals pleaded no contest earlier this month to misdemeanor mistreatment of an animal for the incident involving the deer. He was putting an electrode stimulator to the deer’s balls. He admitted this Tuesday in Rooosterpoot county Circuit Court."The type of behavior is disturbing," Judge Wearin Rowbin said. "It's disturbing to the public. It's disturbing to the court and my 11 year old.



A doctor in here in Rooosterpoot is facing charges, after being accused of groping a woman while wearing a Captain America uniform with a burrito stuffed down his tights. The incident, hardly fitting behavior for a superhero, happened after 54-year-old Dr. Slick Demon went on a bar-crawl with a number of other costume-wearing medics. Witnesses said that Demon was walking around with the burrito tucked into the waistband of his costume, asking women if they wanted to touch it.When one woman refused to touch the burrito, it is alleged that the doctor removed the snack and groped her, took a bite out of the burrito and said that he likes cum. The police were called, and, according to the official report, 'there were so many cartoon characters in the bar at the time, all Captain America's [sic] were asked to go outside for a possible identification.' Demon was identified as the lecherous superhero in question, and taken to the police station in Roosterpoot – where, to increase his troubles, he was caught trying to flush a joint that he'd also stashed down his tights. He now faces charges of battery, drug possession, trying to destroy evidence and disorderly conduct, and has been released on bail. Local police spokeswoman Gynogena Gurly, said: 'This is definitely an unusual situation. We don't usually arrest people in costume. And then feel out of her chair due to the fact that she weighs over 400 ponuds. Captain America was recently killed off in Marvel Comics' 'Civil War' series – shot by a sniper as, ironically, he was led into court to face numerous criminal charges, none of which involved a burrito.


A gang stripped a Roosterpoot man before supergluing him to an exercise bicycle while they ransacked his house, according to a report Thursday. SAPA news agency said the attackers, dressed in suits, hijacked a man in his 50s and forced him at gunpoint to take them to his trailer house just out side of Roosterpoot jurisdiction."The victim was then forced to strip, after which he was superglued to the seat of an exercise bicycle, his hands were superglued, as were his feet and then his mouth was superglued shut," SAPA quoted Fred E. Cats , a spokesman for 911, as saying.The man was rescued about three hours later when his homosexual partner arrived home. And then wondered how they were going to have sex that night because it was a Monday which happens to be sex day for gays.



Forget taking a limousine to the prom. One high school senior drove his date in a 1992 green John Deere 8760 tractor."A few people made bets with me that I wouldn't do it," said John Gopher, a senior at Rooosterpoot elementary-middle-high School. "I guess I won them." Gopher suggested the idea to his date, Wendy Farts, last Thursday, two days before the prom. She wasn't sure, worried about her dress getting caught in the combine as their route was going to take them through the corn field of C. Moore Boobs.After Gopher showed her pictures of the tractor and promised to make sure it was smelly like a jock strap, which turned Wendy into a horny horse rider, Gopher agreed. "I beat off in it good so as to smell like a jock strap," he said. Gopher wore a lime green prom dress that nearly matched the tractor. Wendy said they drove around town and to her grandmother's house to show her the unusual chariot. And the dress that they were both wearing."We got quite a few people who stopped and looked and flipped us off, and called me a fag and through dildoes at the tractor plus some KY,” which excited Gopher to the point of wanting to have sex with animal that he came into contact with.


Suspended Roosterpoot elementary school principal has pleaded guilty to throwing Shit (excrement) on a child. Shakeeta Whereistay, 49, was charged with two counts of assault - one against that child and one against another – but only admitted to one of the charges today. “I couldn’t take it any more,” she testified, “ The kids were having oral sex right here in class as described the provocative circumstances leading up to the incident last June 30. But she agreed it wasn't in any way justified. Pantalone, who is the sister of Deputy Mayor Holdercloser, was principal of Keen Street Junior Public School and Buttview Alternative, which collectively have 50 students and operate out of the same building near Keen St. and Humberside Ave. The names of the victims cannot be published owing to a ban imposed by provincial court justice Iknow Uare Pervet.Since being charged last summer, she has been suspended with pay and ordered to stay away from anyone under the age of 16, animals that resemble humans, cucumbers, and any other vibrating device while in the class room, unless under supervision.Both Roosterpoot county prosecutor Dick Ball and defense Harry Butts, lawyer jointly recommended that she receive an absolute discharge, which will leave her without a criminal record, and enter into a peace bond not to have contact with children, or any other thing she might have sex with, including a vibrator, a tree, a broom stick, or any other thing that is mostly straight and 2 inched long.Caroline submitted some 20 letters mostly of a perverted nature for her self , including one signed by a 14 boy at her school, saying they “all get it on with what ever is available at the time”. He wound up at the hospital for having a erection for more than four hours. But would like to meet anyone who is available after taking Viagra. and having a back ache for a while. As he is a bisexual and dirty underware.




the time of his arrest, he was wearing a red T-shirt with the words "Suck me hard and dry!."


A Roosterpoot Chinese immigrant immwoman survived a plunge from a sixth-floor balcony thanks to a convenient pile of shit that broke her fall, local media said.The accident happened when the woman was hanging out laundry on Monday. The Roosterpoot tabloid said on its Web site."Workers happened to be emptying the building's septic tank, which had not been tended for a long time and had regularly blocked sewage pipes," the newspaper said."She probably stretched out too far and fell ... right on to a 12 foot thick heap of human shit, only slight injuries were incurred, although the woman now has a taste for shit favored rice..

March, a six-year-old girl broke only her left leg when she fell six floors on to a pile of shit six inchs thick at that same complex.



A man who started a small fire while cooking methamphetamine drove to a Wal-Mart to buy a fire extinguisher when he couldn't put out the flames, Roosterpoot sheriff's deputies said.
Harry Balls, 19, was greeted by Roosterpoot County deputies when he returned to his double wide, late Tuesday night, Lt. Scratchim Scrotum said.
The flames had been extinguished by a sprinkler system, and arriving firefighters found a small meth lab in the closet. A toaster being used to cook the drug had caught fire, and Harry Balls had tried putting it out the fire using water, window cleaner and couple of pop tarts, before deciding to go buy the fire extinguisher.

MECHANIC Paduba Tickles loves his work — he has sex with CARS. And he admitted last night: “Some men like boobs and bums, but I much prefer curvy bodywork.”Chris, 38, has a recognised psychological condition that makes him physically attracted to motors.He has had sex with more than 30 different models in 20 years — plus two motorboats and a pal’s JETSKI.Chris, who DOES have a girlfriend, confessed: “A nice car for me is a feast for the senses. It’s about smells, feelings and tastes. If I see a gorgeous Mercedes I know I’d love to jump into bed with it.”His weird obsession mirrors that of electrician Karl Watkins, who The Sun revealed was jailed for having sex with pavements in Roosterpoot County, in 1993.Chris has his own website devoted to his bizarre fetish — and claims there are 500 other cranks like him, including women.But unlike doggers who have sex with strangers in chilly car parks, the motor engineer uses a heated and carpeted double garage at his home for the strange liaisons.He has met more than 20 people online who have driven their cars over for a service. Most like to video Chris exhausting himself — while they are pleasuring THEMSELVES.Chris said: “It’s all about imagination and creativity. There’s more to car love than exhaust pipes. Stroking the body panels and delicate touching makes excellent foreplay.”And he bragged: “I did have the exhausts custom made for one car because they were too small. I had them widened and rounded.“The firm never asked why — but I loved the view while she was up on the ramp and they were working on her. I love all aspects of cars. Some people even like to taste mechanical fluids, but that’s going too far.”Chris, who lives in the West of town in Roosterpoot County, has made love to top motors including a Bentley Arnage, Porsche and Jaguar XK8.He has also owned a string of cars that have been the object of his affections — with the latest a black 2.5 litre Jaguar X-Type with cream cum stained leather upholstery.Chris writes stories about “auto-eroticism” on his website and has penned a manual called How To Make Love To A Car with out getting your Dick hurt or Vagina burned.



A Roosterpoott women, across town says that her bitch cat has given birth to something strange. According to the owner of the cat, the litter included 5 regular kittens, and one that more resembles a mouse.The owner says the nose, mouth and ears look like that of a mouse, but the rest of the body is that of a cat. The mother cat doesn't seem to notice or mind. She's nursing and taking care of it, just like the kittens although it has a strage attraction to mouse traps.

A 4-year-old Roosterpoot girl was banned from her pre-school at the corner of Lickum and Drippy because of her hair color. Rosey Rottencrotch loves her pink hair and so does her dad, Cornholeo, but the Dalton Early Childhood Center calls her sexually unattractive and she's missed the last four days of school because of it. Cornholeo had her hair dyed for a school parade back in October. But, he said, he never got the warning letter that came two weeks later. If he had, he would not have had her hair re-pinked over the Christmas break. A spokeswoman for the school said they are working with Cornholeo to make sure the girl is under compliance with the schools rules, which means she has to lose the pink hair because with pink hair she is not attractive to 20 year old pervs. "I think it's being too harsh, too abusive," Cornholeo said. And now out of school, the 4 year old is practicing her Spanish and her English and counting to 10 in Latin. She's also counting the days until she returns to school so she can bite down on a 20 year old nut. The school should let her back in and then figure out what is too extreme, Cornholeo said, but for the moment neither side is ejaculating.


A man trying to steal a car at gunpoint from a couple ended up being shot himself, Roosterpoot County Sheriff Manual Girly says. Gurney Girly, 39, was arrested again, Sunday at the hospital where he was being treated for a gunshot wound to the buttocks, Syphilis, Herpes, and the Clap..Gurny Girly was shot Saturday night after he stuck a gun into the stomach of a man getting into his car at a Wal-Mart in suburban northeast Roosterpoot and demanded his keys, deputies said.Gynogina in the passenger seat, moved her fat away from the glove compartment and grabbed a gun that was in the glove compartment and fired five shots at Moe Lester, hitting him once in the left nipple, investigators said.Manual Girly is calling the couple heroes. The sheriff said police don't encourage people to go out and "just start shooting," but they do want people to protect themselves from sexually transmitted diseases. And warned not to used public telephones or bathrooms.
A teenager charged with driving 142 mph along a four-lane divided highway said he was speeding home so his parents wouldn't be mad at him for missing the sexual molestation scheduled at twelve midnight, police said.Hope I Twicks Raap, 16, faces speeding and misdemeanor reckless driving charges and could have his license suspended, police said.Roosterpoot County sheriff's deputies stopped Raap along a rural stretch of U.S. 30 at 12:40 a.m. Saturday after a radar gun clocked his 2004 Subaru Impreza going almost 90 mph faster than the posted 55 mph limit, police said.It might be the fastest speed ever recorded on the northwestern Roosterpoot county's roads, said Roosterpoot County sheriff's spokesman Sgt. Ilickum Drippy."Most people's cars won't go that fast," he said.Raap told police he was late getting home and didn't want his parents to be angry, Deputy Drippy said in his report. Raap told Brubaker he didn't have a curfew but is usually home by midnight.Sgt. Drippy didn't arrest Raap, who had a valid Arkansas license, but told him to drive straight home and call him within an hour. Raap's mother, Cindy Raap, called instead and Sgt. Drippy told her what happened.The Associated Press left a message with Raap's parents at their fifth wheel trailer in Geno’s trailer park on the east side of town seeking comment. They declined to comment when contacted by the Arkansonian paper.

"Kids sort of have tunnel vision," Sgt. Drippy said. "They're so concerned with not getting yelled at or grounded, they place other people's lives in jeopardy."The highway has only one lane going each direction, and traffic is usually high at that time of night, due to the pervs that are coming out of the woods from having by the pine trees.

News from the Arkansonian Paper

AP (roosterpoot)- This is the latest news from Roosterpoot Arkansas,

Cabinet maker Roy C. Scrodum designed a range of stylish wooden cupboards, wardrobes and tables using the female anatomy as his inspiration.

His newest piece is a fruit bowl decorated with a realistically shaped life-size wooden breasts calleed "Titty Fruity" raised quite a strew about town, when it was displayed in the walk by window at Pervs Inc. 13 year olds and some 12 year olds, and some as young as nine, were quite amused and there mama's had to slap the boys from keeping them from licking the windows of the store. needless to say the stores owner cancelled his window cleaning for the month.

Other pieces include a wine glass cupboard in the shape of large breast, a table supported by legs molded from a female model and a bedside drawer which opens pressing a piece in the dressers private parts.

Gurney Girley said "the shape of a woman in wood, her organic architecture, combined with his passion for wood inspried him to have sex with the tree at the corner of Elm and Sicamore. Needless to say that the tree was cut down right after his arrest.

The funiture can be seen at the store located at 2 main street or in the middle of the night if you are a normal man or a lesbian woman.


A man from rural Roosterpoot county was arrested on animal cruelty charges after sheriff Dong seized 21 pit bulls from a house filled with P!!s and sh!t.

Officers were overwhelmed by the stank on Tuesday when they entered the pit hole of a home, where wooden floors had rotted from the animal pee and poop that was trickling down the stairs. Evidently one of the animals had just laid pavement according to the sheriff’s cousin-wife-step mom deputy who slipped on a pile.

The smell was so strong that the sheriff had to run outside to keep from puking because he couldn’t imagine his cousin-wife-step mom slipping in the crap and then having to go home and sleep with the smelly bitch because it wasn’t bath day, which happens to be Saturday.

Elmer, whose neighbors said was breeding the dogs and trying to sell them for $5 each on eaby, was booked with 21 counts of animal cruelty and other charges like having sex with the dogs, will be arrained on bath day, which through a kink in Gynoginas plans for bath day. So she will be extra stinky when she goes to the store on Wednesday.

"I had no clue as to how many dogs he had" said Gynoshekwa, who runs the title company in a lean to across the street. "We sat and watched from the zipper of our tent as they brought out dog after dog.

Authorities said a woman claimed to have found a razor blade in her egg roll down at Smarties, early Wednesday. The woman was not injured but said that she ordered a sausage, egg, cheese, and pig intestine roll in the drive-thru here in Roosterpoot. A police report said that she claims that she found the blade in the egg roll after biting into it while she was waiting on her disability check to get to the post office, and putting on make-up, talking an the cell phone, drinking a soft drink, slapping her five kids, and forgetting to put the car into park. The manager told the police that the place uses razor blades, but it was unclear if it was the same kind that the woman claims she found in her food. The manage told authorities that the only way she could see the accident happening was if someone had place the blade above the cooking area and it fell in accidentally. Restaurant owner Kimeeka Shaneekwa Holderonshakeenwameekwa said in a statement that the public should be wary of making assumptions about the incident and was probably there fault and urged the woman not to eat the razor blade as it could cause damage to her bung hole as it exited into the out house pit. She added that the restaurant is cooperating with the Roosterpoot County Sheriffs Office.

A suspected car thief was track down by police after he left his false teeth at the crime scene. Police say that Harry Nosehole, 54, broke into a car just Northeast of town and stole an 8 track player, but lost his teeth when he tried to give the owner of the car a blow job for not turning him in. A quick get away after the ejaculation proved to be the quickest in the county. The suspect was tracked down using dental records. Roosterpoot Officers charged the man with robbery and sloppy seconds. Police spokesman Harry Crotch said that "He tried to tell us that the false teeth were his, that they had been stolen from him and he had not been anywhere near the car or the other guys yahoo at the time of the theft". But we knew he was lying though his bear gums as ejaculate ran down his chin. The victim in this case doesn’t want to press charges in this case but would like to see the man after he gets out of jail and he has had more practice.


In the weather is it going to be 70 everywhere with a slight chance of snow in the morning. For all those walking around on the side of the hill with one leg shorter than the other, be careful you might slip down hill.
That is the new from Roosterpoots very own Arkansonian paper, Issued every month about this same time.

That is the new from the Roosterpoot Arkansonain, I am Vagileania Dripping reporting.